5 Ways Parents Waste Time and Energy at Mealtimes (and What to Do Instead)

If you are a parent of a child with a challenging relationship with food and eating, you have likely tried some ‘tactics’ to help your child eat. Tactics include a wide spectrum of methods, some are helpful long term, some are not. Here are a few of the tactics that don’t usually yield positive results that I try to steer parents away from early in the journey.

1. Not allowing children to eat their preferred foods until they eat their non-preferred foods

This is a big trust and felt safety violation for most kids. Their nervous systems are often sent into a ‘fight or flight’ or hyper-aroused state which will not motivate them to accept the food long term, though they may eat just enough of it to gain access to their food or please their caregiver. Appetite and interest in food often decrease when ‘fight or flight’ hormones take over their nervous system- this happens within seconds! They may prefer at that point not to eat at all or only eat preferred food, and need time for their nervous systems to calm down.

What to do instead

• Offer preferred foods alongside and in larger quantities than non-preferred or new foods
• Offer non-preferred foods in a different dish than other foods, or teach and allow/help the child to transfer food to a ‘learning dish’ near their eating area
• Find other opportunities outside the meal to interact with non-preferred food
• Serve foods family style so the child can serve themselves what they want or practice serving others food they don’t yet eat
• Consistently honoring and mirroring back the child’s requests for preferred food to build trust and felt safety

2. Offering dessert only if they eat their dinner well

Kids learn to eat the meal to gain dessert as a reward, so they end up valuing dessert over foods included in the meal. Over time, this can result in becoming hyper-fixated on dessert, and eating ‘just enough’ of the meal foods to get dessert vs. what their bodies are telling them- that internal signal is drowned out! Some kids already ‘come to the table’ with differences in interoception, a sensory system involved in understanding and feeling what’s going on inside their body, so being bribed or externally motivated in this way can be distracting. This can also backfire- if they don’t eat any of the meal foods offered, there can often be stressful communication that disrupts the meal or the child can leave the table hungry.

What to do instead

• Offer dessert alongside the meal, not after
• If dessert is a part of the meal, offer whether or not they eat the meal
• Create a positive dialogue about all foods- don’t categorize foods as good/bad, red light/green light, healthy/unhealthy, or ‘sometimes’ foods.
• Think critically & reflect on your personal and family relationship with sweets. How do you as the parent feel when you are around sweets and sugary foods? Do you think of sweets as a ‘reward’ for accomplishments or deserved after good behavior? Are there medical or blood sugar issues at play to consider? What is going to strike a balance with emotional and physical needs for sweets and celebratory foods? Do you have unaddressed fears about your child’s eating pattern or something they are lacking?

3. Trying to do and say funny things to get them to interact with food

Parents and caregivers sometimes go overboard with advice online or from professionals to do ‘fun’ activities and create enjoyable experiences for their child. While this has the potential to go well and provide a fun opportunity, it can backfire because the activity or interaction is not matched up or aligned with the child’s ‘window of tolerance’- or the level to which they are able to stay regulated, calm and safe during the food interaction or experience. It may be ‘too much’ or ‘too often’, or just the wrong food on the wrong day. When a child resists a ‘fun’ experience the parent has planned for them, because the parent has invested time, attention, and resources in the activity, it’s natural for them to want the child to engage with it. Sometimes this can feel like too much pressure from the child’s perspective.

What to do instead

• Aim for being present and available, fun is optional. There are lots of ‘fun’ ways your child enjoys interacting with you, mealtime or not! Playful ways of interacting are often available without the motive being ‘getting them to eat’. Being present can take some practice, focus and deep breaths or calming activities if times with food are especially hard.
• If you are an overachiever and you think it may be backfiring- read up on the ‘good enough’ parenting movement afoot on social media! Check out this article from Psychology Today.
• Continue to take positive action at the pace that works for you by: focusing on the feeding and nutrition environment, family food values, meal planning and organization, eating regular balanced meals yourself- alongside your child when possible!

4. When kids say no, trying to convince them or make them take a bite

Making children take a bite is a completely different experience than a child asking for a trusted caregiver to feed them in a way they feel safe or help them take a bite. Each child has different needs when it comes to eating independently vs. depending on adults to serve foods in ways that work best. Often, the logical reasons a parent can give like ‘You liked this at the party’ or ‘This is just like this other food you like’ are likely to be met with a ‘no’ because the child is not able to access logical or reason parts of their brain, due to their developmental stage or current nervous system state. In these moments, parents can ‘stretch the truth’ or describe food in ways that are not accurate or confusing. The child ends up not trusting what the parent says. It also undermines kids’ sense of autonomy and natural curiosity.

What to do instead

• When kids say no, honor it calmly, and move on without a fuss- this communicates trust and respect for their autonomy.
• Honor your experience as a parent- it’s ok to want them to try new things and expand their diet especially if you have concerns about their nutrition. Get support from professionals trained in pediatric and special needs nutrition as needed for a fresh perspective and support. Talking to a therapist can also be helpful.
• Tell a story, share what you like about the food, or share a memory about the food.

5. Feeling shame and guilt for what their child eats or doesn’t eat

Many parents feel shame and guilt for what and how much their child eats. Their energy and motivation are often depleted as a result. With repeated negative experiences, parents can end up feeling like it must be ‘something they are doing wrong’. Diet culture and parents’ own unique experiences with food as a child or an adult can also lead to more intense feelings of shame and guilt. It is difficult to see the child’s experience separate from their own when negative or overwhelming emotions are at play, which can lead to more stress at mealtimes. When parents speak up or talk to friends, family, or healthcare professionals, there can be a sense of little understanding or empathy and mismatched expectations. Parents can leave conversations feeling unheard and unseen.

What to do instead

• Let the shame and guilt go! There are many factors beyond your control at play. Sometimes, there can be unaddressed trauma, grief, or other difficult feelings to grapple with- shame and guilt can signal there is more emotional healing and support needed for the parent. Allow these emotions to go by addressing deeper fears and anxieties. Depending on what comes up, you may need support from a therapist or a trusted team member.
• Reflect on how other people in your life, previous health care messaging, or ‘diet culture’ has affected your assumptions on what is ‘normal’ or ‘expected’ for children to eat. Where are you being too hard on yourself? Where do you need more support or information? How can you protect yourself and limit negative messaging or conversations about food rules and expectations?
• Find community: In-person and local community support is ideal. Where support is lacking, social media, online parenting groups, and other online resources are awesome!